Blinded by the Light: The Cycle of Abusive Relationships in Media - Catherine Mullner
- Unorthodox
- Aug 31, 2021
- 6 min read
Updated: Oct 22, 2021
The smell of microwave popcorn is the first thing that hits my nose as it wafts languidly towards the door, tempting all that lay outside the ritual of the pre-teen sleepover. Butter, salt, and something artificial I can’t quite place, dances through the air, swirling around with the sounds of giggling and laughter. Pillows have been thrown on the ground like generals marking battleground on a map, and with just as much fortitude. Candies are split like stock, sour gummy worms and M&M’s rising and falling rapidly in value as fast I can trade them. Chatter and gossip are the remaining members of this sleepover, trying to get a word in before the grand-event of the sleepover ceremony, and they’re shut up for an hour or two; Twilight, the pièce de résistance.
No matter how many times I’ve watched this film, no matter how much boys at school would make fun of Twilight, I would still watch it with just as much hope for romance as if I was sitting down with my friends to watch it the first time. I am instantly transported back to sitting in my living room, Kirkland popcorn in one hand, sour patch watermelons in the other, and Paramore playing from my TV Screen as the camera swings in on a blue filtered Forks: my own definition of the holy trinity.
Besides the incredible soundtrack to justify my love for such a film most viewers deemed intolerable was my own desperation to be Bella desperately: small, shy, and most importantly, desirable. I watched Bella and Edward’s romance without a clue in the world that his actions were borderline abusive. I could only see what I had never had: romance. How do we as young adults, especially women consuming media like this daily, identify healthy relationships from unhealthy relationships? And more importantly, if you were a girl growing up in the early to mid 2000’s watching shows like Gossip Girl, Pretty Little Liars, Skins, and Vampire Diaries, were you ever given a fighting chance to figure it out (1)?
Chandra White-Cummings, managing editor of Ourselves Black, wrote in a 2016 article that “toxic relationships can be hard to define and in some ways, toxicity can be in the eye of the beholder”(2). The shows and movies we watch aren’t the only reason for our perception of romantic love or foundation for attachment, however being part of a generation of young women watching popular shows and movies that utilise abusive and emotional relationships as the foundation of their plot does take its toll. Being taught to suffer for love, to give yourself completely to another person sounds romantic until you realise that you are your own person, part of a relationship, not of another person (3). We behold these relationships not as individuals, but as millions of young children being ingrained with the idea that to have a relationship, you must give up yourself. But, what are the psychological ramifications of learning this?
In broad terms, it is important to understand unhealthiness or “toxicity” in relationships as a combination of behaviors that is both caused by and results in toxic thinking and self-perception (4). We associate common traits like jealousy, abuse of power and control, negativity, criticism, dishonesty, and demeaning as characteristic of unhealthy relationships (5). These are traits more so that we see often glamorized on the path to finding love in many popular dramas lots of us would have grown up watching, and yet there is more beyond what is deemed a “good” relationship without these qualities and a “bad” relationship with these qualities.
In ‘A dehumanization perspective on dependence in low-satisfaction (abusive) relationships’, Brock Bastian discusses how dehumanisation is a factor in the perpetuation of abusive relationships (6). “Perpetrators may dehumanize victims, but victims may also dehumanize perpetrators” to justify the emotional and physical abuse in a relationship (7). The perpetrator in a relationship may perceive themselves to be less human and therefore justified in their behavior, just as the victim in a relationship may also perceive themselves as less human and deserving of receiving said behavior/ actions (8). Soldiers acting in war or prison executioners responsible for prisoners on death row have been studied using this same theory of dehumanisation as “an effective strategy for reducing empathy and for this reason it is also employed in contexts where people are motivated to morally disengage from their actions” (9).
Dehumanisation is ultimately a protective reflex that is not limited to the people within an abusive relationship (10). An observer plays a role in this perpetuation when they may dehumanise both parties involved (11). This also factors into the theory of interdependence, where individuals act beyond the immediate rewards and consequences in their relationship (12). The commitment made by people in a relationship, if based on Rusbult’s investment model of commitment, relies on the amount of viable alternatives an individual has beyond their relationship (13). With fewer alternatives that exist or can be offered outside of one’s relationship, the more likely the individual is to be dependent on their partner to meet their needs (14).
It is not solely from observing media that features abusive and unhealthy relationships that one is doomed to enter a relationship that is emotionally and physically abusive. However, when one watches hours and hours of media that’s plot relies on romanticising abusive romantic relationships, it is hard to see beyond the veil of romance if one is not looking. We can apply Bastain’s theory of dehumanisation to being observers ourselves, watching these relationships play out in people we distinctly are told to view as characters, not real human beings (15).
As observers we watch characters like Harley Quinn from DC’s Batman operate within an abusive relationship that functions as a sub-plot in Batman’s development as an anti-hero, or Aria become manipulated into an under-age relationship with her teacher Ezra Fitz in Pretty Little Liars as a function of a larger storyline in the quest to find who A is. We are taught to view this as merely a puzzle piece of a story, and that is therefore necessary. In one sense, the media showcases that it itself is dependent on romanticising abuse, and as observers we must consume it to continue our relationship with that piece of media we like to watch.
We romanticise being the “main character”, the unattainable projection of our own personality that is perfect and mysterious in every way. We ask our friends if they are a Carrie, a Miranda, a Charlotte or a Samantha. We want what “they have”, the undying love of Bella and Edward, or we want to be the It Girl like Regina George or Allison DiLaurentis. Yet, this is reminiscent of action surrounding self-dehumanisation (16). In a 2011 study by Brock Bastian and Nick Haslam, the researchers found that “interpersonal maltreatment may also lead to dehumanization of the self”, especially in cases when the self was perceived to be socially excluded or isolated and therefore, less human (17).
Ultimately, we deem ourselves “human” because of our connections and relationships with others. We want to feel unconditionally loved, and it is not wrong to want love or to love others. However, romantic love and romantic abuse are two different things. We do not deserve to feel isolated or alone because we want to be loved.
Here are some resources available regarding seeking help and support on emotional and physical abuse:
References
Colyer, A. (2016). Why Do We Idolize Abusive Relationships In Media? ComicVerse. Published. https://comicsverse.com/idolize-abusive-relationships-media-forms/
White-Cummings, C. (2016). Toxic Relationships: A Serious Threat To Mental Health. OURSELVES BLACK. Published. https://ourselvesblack.com/journal/2016/8/6/o7cqjfs402b61y12ujl1u96otlb6ua
White-Cummings, C. (2016). Toxic Relationships: A Serious Threat To Mental Health. OURSELVES BLACK. Published. https://ourselvesblack.com/journal/2016/8/6/o7cqjfs402b61y12ujl1u96otlb6ua
Cacioppo, J. T., & Cacioppo, S. (2014). Social Relationships and Health: The Toxic Effects of Perceived Social Isolation. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 8(2), 58–72, 61. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12087
Cacioppo, J. T., & Cacioppo, S. (2014). Social Relationships and Health: The Toxic Effects of Perceived Social Isolation. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 8(2), 58–72, 60. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12087.
Bastian, B. (2019). A dehumanization perspective on dependence in low-satisfaction (abusive) relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(5), 1421–1440, 1422. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519835978.
Bastian, B. (2019). A dehumanization perspective on dependence in low-satisfaction (abusive) relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(5), 1421–1440, 1423. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519835978.
Bastian, B. (2019). A dehumanization perspective on dependence in low-satisfaction (abusive) relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(5), 1421–1440, 1423. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519835978.
Bastian, B. (2019). A dehumanization perspective on dependence in low-satisfaction (abusive) relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(5), 1421–1440, 1424. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519835978
Bastian, B. (2019). A dehumanization perspective on dependence in low-satisfaction (abusive) relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(5), 1421–1440, 1425. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519835978
Bastian, B. (2019). A dehumanization perspective on dependence in low-satisfaction (abusive) relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(5), 1421–1440, 1425. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519835978
Bastian, B. (2019). A dehumanization perspective on dependence in low-satisfaction (abusive) relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(5), 1421–1440, 1422. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519835978
Bastian, B. (2019). A dehumanization perspective on dependence in low-satisfaction (abusive) relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(5), 1421–1440, 1423. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519835978
Bastian, B. (2019). A dehumanization perspective on dependence in low-satisfaction (abusive) relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(5), 1421–1440, 1423. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519835978
Bastian, B. (2019). A dehumanization perspective on dependence in low-satisfaction (abusive) relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(5), 1421–1440, 1421. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519835978
Bastian, B. (2019). A dehumanization perspective on dependence in low-satisfaction (abusive) relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(5), 1421–1440, 1425. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519835978
Bastian, B. (2019). A dehumanization perspective on dependence in low-satisfaction (abusive) relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(5), 1421–1440, 1425. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519835978.
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